Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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