I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
