am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
