grandma shit on top of the toilet
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
i think i just lost a toe
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
