I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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