if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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