Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
