we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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