I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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