hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
well you can't waste a boner
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
