You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
