if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
