someone threw a dead crab at me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
