Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
