in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
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So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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