did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
