i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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