Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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