i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
