Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
