she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
