You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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