I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
