with your own penis?
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
