Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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