just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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