okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
