I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
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i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
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There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
tell me about the eggs
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