i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
