Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
