she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
