I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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