she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
