Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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