planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
