Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
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Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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