It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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