remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
