i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
