what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
