Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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