If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
