you mean i was at the winter classic?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
