We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
