on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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