..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
