just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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