my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
