i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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