I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
