drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
