Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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