She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
