Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
