it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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